Hi, I’m Fine

Hello! It’s been awhile.

I’ve spent the last few years trying to write an introspective blog post about all of the trials and tribulations life has thrown at me and how I have become more resilient and brave because of them. I wanted to truly encapsulate the heaviest of the heavies and lowest of the lows and wrap them up in a neat little package that ended with me, Katrina Charles, emerging like a phoenix from the ashes, or, rather, a thirty-something from the couch cushions into which she has sunk. I wanted something that would simultaneously acknowledge the past and wipe clean the slate so I could take a step out from its shadow and into the light of a new beginning. Then, and only then, could I write about what I really care about: stupid shit. But, as I have learned time and time again, that isn’t an actual thing that happens.

A picture of a lake, a cloudy sky, and hills on either side of the lake.
This is a picture of water to symbolize the depths of the soul or the sensation of drowning or maybe it’s just a lake and you’re reading too much into things, Janet.

You see, my trials and tribulations have included some unnecessary interpersonal drama, a lot of unexpected and unpredictable mental health issues, and, somehow, more of those unexpected and unpredictable mental health issues. The thing with those things is that they don’t end. If you’re still going, they’re still going. And I’m still going.

Am I fixed? Nah. Will I ever be? Nah. Have I learned to accept that? Yeah? Have I attempted to learn and grow with these challenges so they have less control over me and my life? Yeah. Do I need to find a new therapist when I get health insurance again? Hell yeah. And I will. But, I digress.

I’ve been in a long period of writer’s block because I didn’t know how I wanted to say what I wanted to say. Everything had to be perfect but nothing ever would be, so nothing was written. I felt my personality wane and become a prisoner to a mind that felt that perfectionism and isolation were the only answers to the question “How can I not be hurt again?” Obviously, that’s not a cure, but you try explaining that to a mind when it goes into its darkest places. You may know what I’m talking about. If so, I hope you’re having a good day and, if you’re not, it’s fine. It’s fine to not be fine. This too shall pass. You’ve got this.

It took a lot of work to be fine. I willed myself to try new things like improv, stand-up comedy, and not drinking all the time. I got myself to a psychiatric nurse practitioner and a therapist. I got on meds. I learned some stuff. I got off meds because they gave me migraines. I stopped going to therapy because it wasn’t the right fit but I was in a better place so it was probably okay. I quit my job. It wasn’t good for me in many ways and I had an opportunity to quit so I did. I spent some months healing and realizing that I don’t necessarily like not being employed. I played Red Dead Redemption 2 all the way through and it was an awesome experience, mainly because I got to ride around on a not-real horse and it reminded me of summer camp and also that time I got a concussion when I fell off a horse (another story for another day). Also, damn. What a fantastic, amazing story for a video game. Life-changing. If you can play it, go do it. It’s awesome. But, I digress.

Here’s a picture of seagulls in front of a rainbow to symbolize hope or something. Perhaps they were flying towards a bagel truck that turned over, spilling its contents all over the highway. There were no injuries, just a lot of bagels for these seagulls to enjoy. Or, perhaps they just blocked the rainbow I was trying to photograph and this means nothing. Am I already getting too strange with these captions? Sorry, y’all. I’m rusty. Much like the axles on the bagel truck that caused it to flip over.

Now, things are looking up. I’m excited to start slinging lattes at a coffee shop in a little over a week. I found and enrolled in a certificate program that starts in the Fall that will hopefully give me some networking opportunities and allow me to have a real, professional career. The dream! I have made improv more a part of my life and am getting back to playing music which was the whole point of basically every decision I’ve ever made so that’s good. As a certain cartoon character would say, “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”

I guess the whole point of this is, life is weird but it’s also fine. Mine haven’t been the worst experiences ever in the history of everything, but my experiences are valid and my stories are the only ones I can tell, and that is fine. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I am excited and taking chances on new opportunities and that’s maybe even a little better than fine. All of this …. stuff…. has been kind of a metaphorical brick wall keeping all of the ideas in my head at bay. The ideas in my head are not great climbers, I guess. I mean, why would they need to learn that skill anyway? But now that the brick wall has been dismantled, brick by brick, I’m excited to finally let the rest of what’s in there flourish. Including the stupid shit. ESPECIALLY the stupid shit.

Thank you. Go be fine.

 

©2018 Katrina Charles